Laughing Stock’s selection of some of the best standup jokes ever told.
“I’m on a whiskey diet. Ive lost three days already.”
– Tommy Cooper
“I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it’s not enough to just buy it.”
– Sarah Millican
“Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.” – Spike Milligan
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Noel Coward
“Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if you’re wet.” – Sean Lock
“I’m a post modern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically” – Bill Bailey
“Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? It’s because they don’t fancy each other.” – Jimmy Carr
“They laughed at me when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now!” – Bob Monkhouse
“Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets…then it hit me.” – Stewart Francis
“There is a line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.” – Stephen Wright
“I’m afraid that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.” – Maria Bramdford
“Cigarettes are very like weasels. Perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it.”
– Boothby Graffoe
“So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial a lama.”
– Milton Jones
